December 5, 2012

Reflection


One day recently, without me really realizing it, my life became full. With my job and with meetings and with activities related to Junior League and METavivor and with this blog that I love and with friends and family and traveling, and well, I am busy. I am sometimes very, very stressed. I am in constant awe of those who manage to fit in workouts three to five days a week and drink eight glasses of water a day and keep a full refrigerator and have dinner on the table and maintain friendships and maintain a relationship and heck, even have children! But as I sit here, with my cat, an empty refrigerator, and not even a granola bar to my name, and I am so thankful for this place I have recently found myself in.

After my Everygirl article was published, I received a handful of emails from girls, just like me, who have lost their mother. Girls wondering how I got to this place that I am in. Words fail me when I try to describe the deep dark places that I have been to since losing my Mother. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing is easy about losing a parent, or anyone for that matter. While this blog shows the creative side of me, there is another side of me that I choose not to show. The side of me that wakes up every single morning with a hole in my heart that takes the shape of my Mom. Days like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and days like her birthday and my birthday, the hole feels bigger then most. Then there are days when I am swamped and feel like I am barely staying afloat and I sit with just my cat and empty refrigerator, and cry and really, really just want my mom. The emptiness is always there, and will be there for the rest of my life. 

Everyday, I dream of "someday things." Someday opportunities that will come from this little blog, someday travels and a someday husband and a someday dog and a someday home and someday children. While my someday contains a life that is fuller than my current, nothing about my someday will be easy because my someday does not include my Mom.

My point from this reflection is, that if you are reading this and have recently lost a parent or relative or friend or anyone that you love, it is hard. I know it is hard. I urge you to reach within yourself and look around and find what makes you happy. It took me three years of tears to finally find myself in this place, a better place, and I have many more tears to come.

I leave you with this quote from Cheryl Strayed. Lately, it is everything.

"The kindest and most meaningful thing anyone ever says to me is: Your mother would be proud of you. Finding a way in my grief to become the woman who my mother raised me to be is the most important way I have honored my mother. It has been the greatest salve to my sorrow. The strange and painful truth is that I am a better person because I lost my mom young ... My grief taught me things. It showed me shades and hues I couldn't have otherwise seen. It required me to suffer. It compelled me to reach."

xo-K

2 comments:

  1. i can not even imagine what it's like to lose a parent and i really hope and pray and i don't have to experience that for many many many years until they're very very old. but i'm so glad there are people like you to support others going through the same thing

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